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20130318
20130326
Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)
obama says aloha to israel. and my guest james franco is the star of the new movie "oz, the great and powerful." i'll nail him, and his little dog, too. [laughter] queen elizabeth has been released from the hospital for what they say is a stomach bug. either that, or there's another royal baby on the way! this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] right here. right there. good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting, "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you so. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to get to the news. [cheers and applause] nation, if you haven't heard-- i know my studio audience hasn't because we keep them in a hyperbaric chamber before the show-- there are two huge, breaking stories tonight. first hugo chavez venezuelan strongman and friend of the show is dead. repeat. hugo chavez is dead. [audience reacts] >> stephen: i know. obviously this leaves a huge hole in south american politics and an even
is president obama's longtime speechwriter csm we nail him? yes, we can. girls gone wild has filed for bankruptcy. maybe those girls should have gone business school. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music pl captioning sponsored 1# comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. when you chant my name like that, you make me feel one toke over the line. [ laughter ] the top story tonight has to be the dramatic news coming from the world's most powerful religious leader pat robertson. [ laughter ] you know, in a world full of war and poverty and moral decay, pat is willing to confirm the eternal questions. on monday he did it again. >> this is kerry who says i buy a lot of clothes and other items at goodwill and other secondhand shops. my mom told me i needed to pray over the items, bind familiarÑi spirits anpiÑiçó bless the items before i come into the house. can demons attach themselves to material items. >> can demonic experien
not with a bang, but with a light snack. [laughter] nation, four years ago-- thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the new york stock exchange bottomed out at less than 6500. but today-- no thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the dow is back! >> a history-making day on wall street. >> the dow industrials as well as the s&p 500 closed at their highest point in five years. the dow ended just under 14,036. >> stephen: 14,036. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, 14,036 do you units. downtons? i don't have to tell you what that means. do i? [laughter] i don't, good. and america has got a lot to show for all that dow-ing. >> one way to look at the stock market is as a giant, wealth-creation machine, and it has just created a lot of wealth. we are now officially at the country's all-time peak of millionaires and billionaires. >> stephen: yes, we are at peak billionaire. [laughter] partly due to tax policies that favor the billionaire super rich, and partly due to cloning themselves for spare parts. lax la. [laughter] and now that we ultra-loaded are so numerous again, i'm gonna give the mone
on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." friends of hamas! that's serious! being friends with a muslim terrorist is a big commitment. you've got to be a groomsman in all four of their weddings. i mean, the suicide vest rentals alone! [laughter] folks, this bombshell lit up the conserv-osphere. >> let me bring up
are more transparent to the american people and to the world. [ applause ] [laughter] >> jon: even obama thought that sentence was (bleep). [laughter] by the main question this raises is: what is in those drone memos that is so terrible the white house will give anything including information previously not seen about the benghazi attacks not to have to release them? the more we go to senior intelligence correspondent assif mandvi in washington. thank you for joining us. i understand, assif, if i'm not mistaken, you have obtained a copy of drone memos. >> what? um -- >> jon: are those the drone memos right there assif? >> right where? where? >> jon: in your hand. you got the -- >> no, no, no memos. never saw any memos, jon. i saw them oh, my god. >> jon: what are you looking up for? what is the up there? what is the problem, what are you looking up for? >> not any white house authorized domestic death drones. that's for sure. >> jon: is that a bullet-proof vest. there are drones here in america flying -- wait shall what? >> i would know nothing about that. so there would be no point in
happened there? obama's messup was he confused the star weeks jedi mind trick with the star trek vulcan mind meld two completely different things. john boehner referred to taxation as theft which shows that the lacks understand of constitution which was is he in charge. i wonder which gets more attention. >> president obama getting the wrath of sci-fi fans. >> saying there was no jedi mind meld. >> the president seemed to confuse the mind meld with star wars jedi mind trick. this is jedi saj relidge. >> did he mess up, didn't he? >> jon: speaker of the house said taxing people stealing. if there's ever a fact you don't need to check it's anything to do with star wars or star trek iflt will be check. here is a shot of twitter's server one second after obama said it. >> do a jedi mind meld. [explosion] [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: but -- they really have to fix that flaw in the design of death star. the president in speaker boehner's statements we get a hibt of why the sequester is happening. the penalty for not finding a way to balance revenue and spending consists of cuts in
gitmo closed, including president obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. it's the radio shack of the war on terror. [laughter] if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 9-11 mastermind khalid sheik mohammed. for godsake, khalid, you're appearing in court-- comb your shoulders! [laughter] now one reason you may not have heard about it is that not the easiest trial to cover. first, because it's not really a trial. it's a one-of-a-kind military tribunal designed by president bush, implemented by president obama, and inspired by president kafka. [laughter] see, reporters are not allowed in the courtroom. they have to watch the trial from behind soundproofed glass and hear the proceedings on a 40-second delay. and to protect national security, the judge or a security officer in the courtroom can hit a mute button which shuts off the audio to the reporters and indicates this by making a red light on the judge's bench spin. the red light also indicates that all dress shirts and men's slacks are 20% off. but on january
war. >> the obama white house is engaged in a war of words with "washington post" reporter bob woodward over the origin of the spending cuts. >> jon: oh, a war of words as long as one of those words isn't drone, really that's the kind of war you can get into with this administration. why would you word war with a ledge gend dairy word warrior like woodward? [cheers and applause] [laughter] hairball. [ laughter ] woodward, of course is the hand some redford half of woodward and bern styne. it goes back when he said the white house moved the goal post on the current sequester proceedings by suggesting tax increases inlew of cuts. the republicans agreed to spending cuts. a fair accounting of overall debt would allow them -- so the notion that obama was moving the goal post was less accurate that -- sorry. wanted to wake you guys back up. [laughter] apologize. [cheers and applause] that's actually as far as we got even writing frankly. it was -- [snoring] [laughter] it was after that article that woodward received a rather curious e-mail. >> and it was said to me in an e-mail by a
barack obama is a student of history. he learned two things in particular from the greatest president in history abraham lincoln. one when putting together a cabinet you need assemble a team of rivals and two, you cannot kill a vampire with an axe. you need a built-in shotgun in that mother humper. lincoln the vampire. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] didn't take off like we thought it would. [ laughter ] but to the first point when it came time to choose a secretary of defense barack obama demonstrated lincoln-esque team rivalling by choosing former nebraska senator chuck haaag -- hagge -- hagel. [ laughter ] he is a republican. a two term senator, vietnam vet. he was a simple process away from achieving that relatively only minor as secretary of lincoln's legacy but still it was doing this having hagel or doing that and you know, nobody wants to see that. >> the one thing i'm not going to do is vote on a new secretary of defense until the old secretary of defense leon panetta, who i like very much, testifies about what happened in benghazi. >> jon: so close to get him confirmed foiled by s
county alabama challenged the law at the supreme court. >> the america that elected barack obama is not the america of our parents and grandparents. >> jon: it's a completely different america. we have cell phones now and things cost more than a nickle. coca-cola no longer has cocaine in it although -- you have to buy it separately. and in some communities you have to be careful you are not allowed to have 16 ounces of other. [ laughter ] shelby -- people, you know what you are? soda addicts. [ laughter ] shelby county al alabama is that since america elected a black man ipso facto we're free now of racism. although i guess corollary would be by their own reasoning if you didn't vote for him e oh, yeah, okay. [laughter] the point is shelby county alabama sees the voting rights act less as an effective bull worth less effective and more like orthodonta, nice but no longer needed in needed in t. meaning it's straightened out the problem and you can remove it because it's straightened. you know what i'm saying. [ laughter ] when was the last time any state on the list of previously
Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)